Dear Upstairs Neighbors,

I'm sorry that your loser of a father cannot afford to buy - or even rent, for that matter - a house for you all to run around like crazed monkeys at all hours of the day and night. However, that is not my problem. My problem is that you are apparently unaware that you LIVE ABOVE SOMEONE and every single elephant-sized step you take, awful song you blast, or explosion-filled video game you play (at excessive volumes that are damaging to the ears of small children and animals) can be heard throughout my apartment as well as several others I am sure. And the fact that one of you is an amateur drummer (a horrible one at that) does not make matters better.

I have no quams with the fact that the patriarch of your family is obsessive compulsive and has to do a 360 degree spin before he stalks up the steps to your animal house. I don't even mind that you all dress like goth fucktards and skateboard around the courtyard smoking cigarettes and yelling profanities. I also don't give a rat's ass that you people are up 24 hours a day and take 15 showers in a bathroom with the loudest fan on earth at 2 hour increments. I'm actually a pretty easy-going gal. But I DO NOT condone the constant bass tones that flood my apartment while I try to eat, watch my television (at a reasonable volume) and sleep in PEACE. It's constant. And no amount of ceiling banging, loud shouting of "TURN IT DOWN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD," or evil looks in passing in the courtyard and garage seems to get my point across.

So here is what I propose: Either learn to co-exist peacefully and QUIETLY with your more than patient and understanding neighbors, or I will go American Psycho on your ass and butcher you all in your sleep while blaring tunes from the 1980s including Phil Collins and Whitney Houston.

Seems reasonable enough to me. And with that gesture, I bid you adieu.


*** And yes, I really did write this one. And you can actually find it under the "rant" section of Craigslist. I'm hoping someone will nominate it to go under the "best-of" section. Time will tell, my friends. Time will tell... ***